I so don’t want to know anything about his marriage. He mentioned his ex-wife in the context of a story the other night and I flinched – I couldn’t help it. I actually had a physical reaction. I don’t want him to know how bad it freaks me out but he is so good and so sweet and shortly thereafter we left the restaurant and he grabbed me and gave me a big hug and he kissed me and I felt like I know he is here with me now.
It’s hard not to let it bother me. I get jealous over ex-girlfriends so I’m actually really handling this well when you think about it. Or maybe I’m just repressing it because I am good at that. I tell myself all the things a calm, healthy, confident adult would tell herself: the past is the past, he is not with her now, and maybe, just maybe everything that happens has to happen a certain way to get to a certain place. Maybe if he was never married he wouldn’t have been where he was, he wouldn’t be who he is, maybe we would never have met or never have connected and if that’s the case, I wouldn’t undo the past for anything. That’s going to sound so dumb to anyone who isn’t me, but I can’t help thinking things happen for reasons beyond our ability to comprehend. And if I can make myself believe there was a good reason, maybe it will all be easier to deal with. Now if only I could keep from flinching at the mere mention of the fact, I’d be all set.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
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1 comment:
It doesn't sound dumb at all - everyone needs to go through what they go through to get to where they are. If I hadn't met the people I've met, I would never be who I am. And while sometimes I wish I could erase all the bad that comes with having lived a life - that bad sometimes makes you better, too :-)
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